Sep 1, 2011
We trollocs don’t get much face time in the middle books of the Wheel of Time series. I’m convinced that it’s just more anti-trolloc bigotry on the part of Robert Jordan, but I’ll do my best to forgive him. Despite his glaring omission, I am here once again to shed some light on events surrounding trollocs that have been overlooked.
Of course, I can’t tell you specifics about what trollocs have been up to, because it might give away critical tactical and strategic information. Haha, I mean, really, if I told you a bunch of us headed down to Murandy to hook up with Demandred and his plan to take Caemlyn, that would be BAD. You get the point.
But I think it’s pretty clear that trollocs have been doing a whole lot of moving around, even in the middle books of the Wheel of Time. Our main mode of transportation is obviously The Ways, that super sucky interdimensional superhighway of crap. To show you what the time has been like for us trollocs, I figured I’d share my friend Carl’s diary from such travels with you. You’ll need to keep in mind that Carl is a raccoon-headed kind of trolloc, and, well…I’m sure you know what that means. Still, this is pretty representative of the experience for all of us.
So, the lights are down in here, and the place looks awfully goth, so I’m excited to finally make it to the auditorium area and see The Black Wind perform. The way Myrddraal Dan describes them, these guys will totally make us scream. Still, the stage seems awfully far away…
I admit I can’t read what’s on these guiding stones at intersections, but something tells me it’s porn. Man, I wish I could read.
Myrddral Dan is getting pretty cagy about when we’re going to get to see The Black Wind, but has begun hinting that he has some backstage passes that he’ll give to those of us who do best at keeping the others moving. That’s getting tough – some of the guys are totally pussing. You’d think they were afraid of the dark. Rick vanished last night, but seriously, I’ve seen Alex and Stan eying him up for a while with hungry eyes. I’m pretty sure they ate him. I mean, what else could it be? Some semi-sentient force of evil so malignant that it just sucks out our souls and leaves our bodies behind to fall off the platforms? Haha. Ridiculous.
I overheard some of the guys talking about The Black Wind. Apparently Myrddral Dan is being so secretive because they’re actually an afrobeat band and he’s afraid it’s a little too hipster for us.
DAY 9 (Bedtime):
Some of the guys ended the day’s hike at the top of a big squiggly red slide (almost like a chute), fell down it, and now have to work their way over to a ladder to get back up here. Those guys will never catch up.
I think we’re lost. Myrddraal Mike just admitted he kicked the map off of a platform yesterday. Josh found a little doll made of sticks. One of the guys is just standing over on the corner of this platform, facing away from us. This whole trip gives me the creeps.
Arrived at our destination and left The Ways. A third of the guys ended up stuck in corners, falling off bridges or platforms, or falling down those big red chutes. What a waste. Myrddraal Dan is saying it wasn’t worth seeing The Black Wind anyway – apparently it’s a pretty soul-sucking experience. Guess they’re a power ballad band, after all.
TrollocTalk doesn’t use The Ways, preferring to drive, at least when his jo-car isn’t in the shop. When it is, you can hear him gripe about it on Twitter @trolloctalk