The Mysteriously Missing Maid

Having not actually been on the ground during the riots in Tanchico, i've had a difficult time writing about the things that are happening there.  I've had to rely on other sources around the internet to try and paint a whole picture of exactly what is going on there for my readers to get an idea of how these events are affecting the people of Tanchico.  One of the most effective devices for me was using Twitter to capture what was happening throughout the city in real time.  One of the tweeters i had been following, a maid in the Panarch's Palace, had a particularly interesting Twitter timeline on the day the Palace burned.  I tried getting in touch with her afterward, because I wanted to get a more in depth viewpoint from someone who was inside the Palace when the riots happened.  I was unable to get in touch with her, and it turns out this was because she had disappeared.  No one in her family or on the Palace staff seems to know where she went.  Local officials refuse to acknowledge even that she may be dead, because her body was not recovered from the Palace when the dust settled.  Here I present to you her complete Twitter timeline from a few days before the riots right up until she disappeared:


@panarchsmaid Have to go to some bullshit meeting at work.  Wonder what it's about?

@panarchsmaid Well i'm being forced to move out of the Palace.  There are new nobles moving in to avoid the riots.  #FML

@panarchsmaid Seriously guys, how much room do 11 women need?!

@panarchsmaid Had to move back home.  My dad is calling me a 'baby boomerang'.  Whatever that means.

@panarchsmaid Hooray!  Wasn't raped on the walk home today!  Seriously, these riots are ridiculous. >:(

@panarchsmaid SO sick of the kitchens.  More and more work to do, no new maids.

@panarchsmaid OMG! One of the cooks has to eat bread and water only now for eating cream that one of the new ladies likes to feed her cats!

@panarchsmaid Everyone is calling Lady Marillin 'Crazy Cat Lady Marillin' now. LOL

@panarchsmaid God, who has this much free time to play with cats?! Must be nice.

@panarchsmaid Crazy Cat Lady Marillin is crazy

@panarchsmaid Seriously, CCLM is in the kitchen All. The. Time. 

@panarchsmaid Dear Dangerous City, please stop being so dangerous. Love, ME

@panarchsmaid More ice peppers today for the Panarch.  Sure she doesn't have a fetish.  Nope. Definately a weird vegetable perv or anything ;)

@panarchsmaid WOO! My transfer is accepted!  No more kitchen duty.  A glamorous life of dusting and stocking towels awaits me! :P

@panarchsmaid Walk to work was nuts today.  Could you guys not riot today?  That would be great! kthxbye

@panarchsmaid Ok, yeah, they're definately going to riot out there today.  I'm almost glad the White Cloaks are here. (not really)

@panarchsmaid WTF?! Someone stole supplies out of MY closet!  It was probably Betsi, that bitch.  Great start to first day on new job. :(

@panarchsmaid Towels and duster gone!  And really, who steals a pestle and not the mortar?  What's the point?

@panarchsmaid Hey!  I found the dumbass who stole my duster!  Some new maid. #goingtogiveherapieceofmymind

@panarchsmaid Wait.  TWO new girls.  Rethinking last tweet.  #outnumbered

@panarchsmaid Uh... the two new maids were arguing or something, and now they're just staring at each other.

@panarchsmaid Still staring at each other. Maybe they're in love? LOLZ

@panarchsmaid Starting to get creepy.  Am i ever getting this duster back?  Do I even want it anymore?

@panarchsmaid The world's longest and most boring staring contest continues.  I need someone to come break this up.

@panarchsmaid Ha!  Lady Jeaine is coming, and she looks PISSED! They probably stole her stuff too! LOL

@panarchsmaid Lady Jeaine is carrying a big black rod?  Maybe she'll use it to beat the girl who stole my duster! 

@panarchsmaid HOLY SHIT!! Lady Jeaine just shot a fucking laser out of the black rod!  It put a giant hole in the wall!!  WTF!!

@panarchsmaid Damn, she looks like she's trying to do it again!  I'll try to get a picture.

And that is the last anyone ever heard from her.  Hopefully this paints a pretty decent picture for you of this poor girls last days.  As I said before, no body was recovered, which isn't that strange all by itself, but what is strange is that I could have sworn there were at least three other tweets in this timeline that seem to have winked out of existence.  I've talked with other bloggers who were following her and they all remember seeing a few more tweets as well.  Where did they go?  It's almost like they were deleted on purpose.  Are the nobles in Tanchico covering for this Lady Jeaine?  How responsible is she for what happened in the palace on the day of the big riots?  Any information you can send our way that helps us get to the bottom of this would be greatly appreciated.  Please send anything that can help shed some light on this to twotcast@gmail.com

Tom O'Hara likes maid outfits, and they don't necessarily have to be french.  Follow him on twitter @tomohara


Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 5:01pm EDT
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Ask the DARK ONE!

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestric, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.  


Hey Guys, why was the music so loud in the first few episodes of tWoTcast?  Didn’t bother me too much, but I’m glad you fixed it.

Thanks!

Sincerely, Ken


DEAR KEN,

I’M THE MOTHER FUCKING DARK ONE, THE SCOURGE OF HUMANITY AND AN ALL AROUND TWISTED ASSHOLE.  IF I WANTED THE INTRO MUSIC ON TwOtCAST SO LOUD THAT IT CUT IN AND DESTROYED YOUR HEARING, YOU SHOULD THANK ME.  THE FACT THAT I QUIT DOING IT IS PROOF THAT I HAVE MERCY.  JOIN MY CAUSE OR DIE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT A DARKHOUND IS RAPING YOUR GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND A TROLLOC IS BURNING HIS DOG HOUSE.

Hey tWoTers, I heard your theory that "The Shadow Rising" was actually a reference to your Dark One’s erection and couldn’t stop laughing.  I hope that Sanderson reveals that to be true!
Thanks, I'm a huge fan!
With Love and Respect,
Katherine H.

HI KAHTERINE.  THANKS FOR ASKING.  THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE QUESTIONS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO FIELD AS I FEEL THERE WERE ENOUGH HINTS ALL THE WAY THROUGH THAT MORE PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON IT.  YES, IT'S TRUE, THE SHADOW RISING IS MY ERECTION.  SINCE LEWS THERIN SEALED THE BORE, I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO TRULY WORK MY MANHOOD AROUND.  YOU SEE, THE ACTUAL BORE WHERE LANFEAR AND BEIDOMON TAPPED IT (HAHAHA!!!) WAS THE SPOT IN MY PRISON WHERE MY DONG WAS CONTAINED.  SO MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT FLEXING MY LONG CONSTRAINED HARD ON WAS KNOCKING THE SHAROM DOWN.  THE BUILD UP TO THE WAR OF POWER AS THOSE FOOLS CALL IT WAS ME SLOWLY DOING KEGELS AND GETTING MY SEXUAL CONFIDENCE BACK.  THEN THAT PONCE LEWS THERIN SEALED IN MY HARD ON AND REALLY SENT ME INTO A SEXUAL DEPRESSION FOR EONS.

THE BREAKING OF EACH SEAL IS LIKE ONE MORE BUTTON POPPING OPEN ON MY PANTS AND THIS TROUSER SNAKE IS READY TO HISS AND SPIT AFTER HAVING BEEN CONFINED FOR SO LONG.  DURING THE TIME OF SHADOW RISING, I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO CURING THE WORLD'S WORST EPISODE OF BLUE BALLS.  PEOPLE SEE ME AS BEING THE EPITOME OF EVIL, BUT REALLY, IF YOUR BALLS HAD BEEN STUCK TO YOUR THIGHS FOR 3000 PLUS YEARS, WOULDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING TO LET THEM OUT?  A LITTLE SYMPATHY, OR I WILL HAVE A DARKHOUND LICK YOUR TAINT; ITS TOXIC SALIVA WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN ITCH SO MUCH YOU WISH YOUR MOTHER WOULD TEAR OUT YOUR SACK WITH AN ICE CREAM SCOOP.  BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT WILL HAPPEN AFTERWARDS, EXCEPT BY THE HANDS OF A MYRDRAAL!  NOW, I’M GONNA GO PLAY WITH MY RISING SHADOW.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ed," and I have been together for six years,
married for two. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have
children from our first marriages.

Ed works offshore. He's gone 21 days and here 21 days. The three weeks
he's gone, I work, take care of the house and the kids, do the yard
work, etc. When he comes home, I want him to myself the first weekend
-- I don't want to share him with his friends. I'd like to do fun
things with him sometimes, just the two of us.

Ed says I have to understand his friends are important. He says I'm
selfish and jealous. He doesn't show affection very well either
(except behind closed doors), and I am a very affectionate person. Am
I asking too much from him? I am considering counseling, but I'm
unsure whether Ed would go. -- bored and lonely in Mississippi

HI BORED AND LONELY IN MISSISSIPPI, COUNSELING IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA, AND IF ED WON'T GO, YOU SHOULD GO WITHOUT HIM.  ASKING YOUR HUSBAND TO SPEND TWO DAYS OF ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH YOU WHEN HE RETURNS FROM THREE WEEKS AWAY AND WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!  THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DEAR ABBY COLUMN.  IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ED, I'LL STEAL HIS SOUL.  COME TO SHAYOL GHUL AND BASK IN MY PRESENCE AND I'LL REWARD YOU WITH ETERNAL YOUTH AND A MORE COMPASSIONATE HUSBAND.  YOUR ED AND HIS CHILDREN WILL BE FODDER FOR MY TROLLOCS.  I’M SURE I CAN FIND A MYRDRAAL READY TO QUENCH A SWORD IN HIM, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he has a shadow rising, if you know what he means. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 4:14pm EDT
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tWoTcast episode 19

tWoTcast episode 19 (part 6 of 6)

Our sixth discussion of book four of the Wheel of Time, The Shadow Rising. Covering chapters 50-58. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Gaidal Cain can be distracted by a flare t-rex style, Perrin and Faile make out in a field of dead trollocs and finally Rand channels through his crotch using a bulge.

Direct download: tWoTcast_episode_19.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 7:09pm EDT
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What's Cooking?! with Muradin

Appetizer: Eyeballs Tart Fine

Chef: Muradin

Muradin kicks off our summer menu recommendations with a delicious start.  This former candidate for Clan Chief of the Shaido Aiel founded his restaurant, A Feast for the Eyes, shortly after he failed the tests of Rhuidean.  Starting with a modest menu consisting of only one item, Your Own Raw Eyeballs, it wasn't long before he found success and the former Aiel warrior began experimenting in the kitchen with other people's eyeballs.  

"Before I went to Rhuidean," says the award winning chef, "I'd never actually considered cooking, and had in fact never tasted eyeballs before.  It was my fear of facing my past that made me pluck out my own eyes and then devour them on the spot."

Many attribute Muradin's failure to complete the test of Rhuidean to weakness, but it turns out this wasn't the case.  "Once I ate my owns eyes, and tasted the tremendous flavor that they had locked within them, I realized I had to leave the Shaido behind and share my new passion with the world."

Beginning with a small stand situated at the newly formed lake feeding Rhuidean, Muradin's business grew as the new Aiel city in the waste did.  Though he found convincing people to pluck out their own eyes and eat them difficult at first, it wasn't long before he had gotten enough people to do it that he was able to open a proper restaurant.  Though Rhuidean is the only true city in the waste don't think that has stopped Muradin from eyeing the future.  He has plans to open franchises in Holds all over the Waste in the next few years.  Muradin is truly a chef to watch out for.

Eyeballs Tart Fine

5 Eyeballs

1/4 cup unsalted butter

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup ricotta cheese

1/2 cup plain yogurt

2 tablespoons roasted sesame seeds

12 fresh mint leaves

salt

black pepper

olive oil

fresh thyme

Step One:

Just mix this shit together and try what comes out.  This, like all of Muradin's recipes, doesn't really come with instructions.  Seriously, he's a blind lunatic who ate his own eyes!  The best thing you can do is humor him, and hope he doesn't somehow manage to eat your eyes too.

Tom O'Hara is glad the Aiel have recently given writers for food magazines a free pass across the waste.  Also, he's grateful to still have his eyes.


Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 6:17pm EDT
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tWoTcast episode 18

tWoTcast episode 18 (part 5 of 6)

Our fifth discussion of book four of the Wheel of Time, The Shadow Rising. Covering chapters 40-49. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Perrin almost learns to follow his nose, Nyneave and Elayne annoy us a little more in Chino and Moiraine upsets Rand’s dinner at Cold Rocks Hold.

Direct download: tWoTcast_episode_18.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 11:21am EDT
Comments[0]

tWoTcast episode 17

tWoTcast episode 17 (part 4 of 6)

Our fourth discussion of book four of the Wheel of Time, The Shadow Rising. Covering chapters 31-39. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Bonehold is considered as a possible fourth member of tWoTcast, Rand gets drunk and wakes up with some tattoos and the rest do be very entertaining.

Direct download: tWoTcast_episode_17.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 5:12pm EDT
Comments[0]

tWoTcast episode 16

tWoTcast episode 16 (part 3 of 6)

Our third discussion of book four of the Wheel of Time, The Shadow Rising. Covering chapters 21-30. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Rand’s ancestors, Mat goes into the second doorway, and Perrin goes home. Tom thinks the Greenman is a character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Direct download: tWoTcast_episode_16.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 2:26pm EDT
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