tWoTcast

tWoTcast episode 24 (part 5 of 5) 

Our fifth discussion of book five of the Wheel of Time, The Fires of Heaven. Covering chapters 48-56. Featuring: Jono and Joe, Tom is probably dead. Jono and Joe place a bet on Galad and Rand realizing they are brothers, we say goodbye to Moiraine and Jono cries, and we inevitably discuss Asmodean.

The guys of tWoTcast recently expressed surprise that Melindhra would use Craigslist to reach Hadnan Kadere in Chapter 29 of The Fires of Heaven, Memories of Saldaea.  Maybe I think it’s obvious just because of my own use of such devices, but frankly, the Shadow LOVES to use internet services and social networks.  Check it out:

Example #1:  Um, yeah.  Me.  @TrollocTalk. I’m like the King of Twitter or something.  And I quote myself, “How do people not realize that no matter how hot Lanfear is overall, when it comes to breasts, Berelain's got her beat, hands down? #idiots”  Fuck, I’m awesome.  I should have more followers.  #thinkonit

Example #2:  The Shadow totally uses Craigslist:

SHORT SALE!!!!  GREAT PRICE!!  NATRIN’S BARROW–ELEGANT AND FORTIFIED–YET PALATIAL

-  Convenient Western Arad Doman location!

-  Recent, um, renovations

-  Excellent fixer-upper – make this space your own

-  Previous owner left quickly, no time to sell – nothing wrong with the property!

-  Once visited by the Lord Dragon Reborn himself!

Example #3:  Rahvin’s MySpace page hasn’t been updated in a while.  Awkward.

Mood:  way confident

Groups:  The Chosen (aka The Greensome Thirteensome)

Here For:  Bitches to mind control and mack on

Orientation:  Totally Hetero

Hometown:  You’ve never heard of it

Education:  Graduate of the Collam Daam (Go Fightin’ Grolm!)

Occupation:  Totally gonna rule Andor FOREVER

Example #4:  Demandred finally checked in via Foursquare.  I can’t tell you where, though.  Just kidding, he’s in Murandy.

Example #5:  Facebook has become pretty popular with the Shadow, as well.  Here’s a post on Aran’gar’s wall:

Delana Mosalaine is excited to be hiding out with her new BFF Aran’gar.  Everything’s going to work out great from here!  Lol!  (^_^)

Example #6:  Moghedien is on Google+.  By herself.

And finally…

Example #7:  Me and the boys are using Meetup to get things organized!

Organizers:  Moridin, Shadar Haran

Event:  Tarmon Gai’don

Date:  April 2012 (exact date TBD)

Location:  Tarwin’s Gap

Description:  It’s the big one, guys.  Get your rusty weapons and armor together and head down to the Gap!  There’s word that Aan’allein is gonna come out of retirement from the military and make a surprise appearance – don’t miss out!

Trolloc Talk is apparently the King of Twitter.  Find him there @TrollocTalk

Joe, of tWoTcast fame, is currently beginning work on some Wheel of Time inspired pieces.  Along the way we thought we'd occasionally post some of his concept sketches. Here is the final sketch for Egwene al'Vere. 

Joe O'Hara thinks Egwene is hardcore during the Seanchan raid on the White Tower. Follow him on Twitter at @joeohara98

tWoTcast episode 23 (part 4 of 5)

Our fourth discussion of book five of the Wheel of Time, The Fires of Heaven. Covering chapters 37-47. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Nyneave accidently starts a war, after the battle of Cairhien who braids a string into Couladin’s hair? and anybody talking about glory is a dark friend.

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.

Why are you not more evil than @Lord_Voldemort7? Or at least more funny. Surely you have better materials than him. Where is the evil? All I hear are rants. Too long in Shayol Ghul?

Princess Relena

HMMMM…. MORE EVIL?  WELL PRINCESS RELENA, I HAVE GOOD NEWS: IT HAS INDEED BEEN TOO LONG I’VE BEEN ALONE IN SHAYOL GHUL AND I'M LONELY.  I THINK I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOME OF YOUR LOVED ONES COME JOIN ME.  YOUR MOTHER'S A NICE WOMAN.  HOW BOUT I GET SOME TROLLOCS TO CAPTURE HER, CARRY THEM TO THAKAN'DAR AND HAVE HER MAKE SWORDS.  BY QUENCHING THEM IN HER BLOOD.  OR YOUR CUTE LITTLE BROTHER.  I HEAR HE'S A BIT OF A DEVIANT; HE MIGHT LIKE THIS PLAN: I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MY RAVENS PECK OUT HIS EYES AND HAVE A MYRDRAAL FUCK THE HOLES.  SHOULD BE A FUN FAMILY REUNION.  YOU SHOULD COME BY.  ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU A PRINCESS OF?  SHUT YOUR MOUTH, GET IN THE KITCHEN AND OPEN YOUR VEINS.

Dark One, if I may be so bold, I’m a long time worshiper, first time writer.  Gotta personal question: I’m a senior in high school and hate my teacher.  It’s lit class, but we read the most boring shit.  I’m talking BORING.  We’re supposed to read more than just what’s instructed so I read WoT in my spare time, but I feel my teacher doesn’t think that’s “literature” or something.  He never says anything, but still.  How do I kill him?

Eric

ERIC, THIS IS A PRETTY COMMON QUESTION.  BESIDES THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF CALLING YOURSELF A FIRST TIME WRITER AND LONG TIME WORSHIPPER, YOU SEEM PUT TOGETHER.  TO BEGIN ERIC, YOU MAY NOT WANT TO KILL YOUR TEACHER.  AT LEAST NOT AT FIRST.  I FIND TORTURE TO BE A GOOD WAY TO GET SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.  AMBUSH YOUR TEACHER AND TIE HIM TO HIS TOILET.  TURN THE WATER OFF TO THAT TOILET.  HAVE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DEFICATE AND URINATE IN IT A LOT.  THE SMELL OF HIS FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE GOOD LITERATURE WILL DRIVE HIM INSANE.  I MIGHT RECOMMEND TAKING A SHAKESPEAR, OR SOME OTHER BORING BULLSHIT, BOOK AND GIVING HIM PAPER CUTS ALL OVER, PREFERABLE AROUND THE EYES AND GENITALS.  THEY’RE MORE FUN.  ALSO, PISS IN THE CUTS.  HILARIOUS!  ASK HIM BIZARRE QUESTIONS LIKE “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH” TIL HE ADMITS HIS IGNORANCE AND ACCEPSTS THE WHEEL OF TIME INTO HIS HEART.  DO NOT LET HIM GO AS THIS MIGHT BE A FAINT AND YOU’D BE IN TROUBLE.  INSTEAD, KILL HIM.  THEN COME SWEAR YOUR SOUL AND WORSHIP MY AWESOMENESS AND SOUND ADVICE COLUMN.  OR I’LL TORTURE AND KILL YOU, TOO.

Sha$’#*n, tWoTcast,

Thanks for doing these columns.  Loving it so far!

Andrew

ANDREW.  DO YOU THINK I CAN’T READ THROUGH ASTERISKS AND DOLLAR SIGNS AND WHATEVER PUNY SHIT YOU THINK WILL SHIELD YOUR PUSSY ASS FROM ME?  I’M GOING HAVE SHAIDAR HARAN PISS UP YOUR NOSTRIL, THEN GUT YOU.

Hey, I though the “Ask the Dark One” column was a weekly feature.  Where’s this one’s?!

-Gabe

GABE.  SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HANG YOURSELF.  MAYBE THE SIGHT OF YOUR CORPSE DRIFTING IN THE BREEZE WILL AT LEAST GIVE SOMEONE A LITTLE SATISFACTION.  ALSO, YOUR NAME SUCKS.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he might get off on Gabe’s corpse swinging in the thre breeze. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn

tWoTcast episode 22 (part 3 of 5)

Our third discussion of book five of the Wheel of Time, The Fires of Heaven. Covering chapters 22-36. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Moiraine could use the redstone doorway as a “sex tool” and no one would ever realize she is staying oddly close to it, Isendre is not as good looking as Natalie Portman with no hair, and finally Jono insists we go into detail on Rand and Aviendha’s sexy time.

The guys of tWoTCast have asked what ever happened to the remaining trollocs of Padan Fain’s after he left the two rivers.  In Lord of Chaos, Chapter 28, Letters, we see the final reference to Fain’s few remaining trollocs, outside of Caemlyn.  We trollocs sent Robert Jordan an account of what happened to them thereafter, to be included at the end of the chapter, but he rejected it.  Jerk.  So, for your reading pleasure, here is the final account of those few remaining trollocs.  Poor bastards.

    Letters (contd)

The sun filtered through the oak and leatherleaf above.  As the leaves rustled in the breeze, the light flickered and danced over the dirty, knotted fur of the small band of trollocs hiding in the copse of trees.  The four trollocs sat in a circle, their stench nearly obscured by the sweet aroma of two rivers tabac, which they smoked from a pipe that they passed amongst each other.

Fain had left them, and no one complained.  The guy was kind of a dick.  And weird, really.  Beady little eyes.  Penchant for horrific killings.  The trollocs were fans of murder and mayhem, but Fain had seemed to like his job a bit too much.  They were all in agreement that he was in serious need of a vacation.  A vacation far away from them.

But now Fain was gone, and the trollocs needed to decide what to do next.  They had agreed Brok would be their leader, but such things were fleeting amongst trollocs, and Brok knew it.  He hoped to hold them together long enough to get them out of Andor and back to someplace much more unpleasant and suited to their tastes.  He’d eat one of the others if he had to, but trolloc meat was kind of bland, and reminded him of nights in his childhood when his mom didn’t feel like cooking.  Dinners of cold sibling had sucked.

“I’m hungry.  Let’s go find a village or a homestead and cook us up some human burgers.”  Pete was always impetuous, and Brok hated him.  If he was going to eat any one of the others, it would be Pete, just so he didn’t have to listen to him anymore, but the effort would get on Brok’s nerves.  The fight to kill Pete would be brutal at its easiest.

Brok took a deep breath before responding.  No need to kill Pete yet.  “That wouldn’t be prudent, Pete,” he growled.  So much for staying calm.  “We need to get out of the area quietly, and killing a bunch of folks would raise awareness of our presence like a Tinker orgy.”  Everyone knew Tinkers liked to get freaky.

“Whatever,” said Pete,”you’re just a pussy.  Better to carve our way out of here than sneak around like a bunch of bitches.  God, you’re worse than that Aybara kid with his skank wife.  Waah wahh, what should I do?”  It was a low blow.  Being compared to Lord Perrin’s douche behavior with his wife was nearly the ultimate insult.

Fortunately, Craig spoke up and broke the tension.  “We could get jobs.”

“Jobs,” said Pete.  He stood and began to pace on hoofed feet as he ranted.  “Are you fucking serious, you parrot-faced dipshit?”  When Pete got angry he would always demean their animal heritage, and it worked especially well to unnerve eagle-faced Craig.  “What are we gonna do, walk into town and ply some sort of trade?  ‘No really, goodwife, we don’t care to eat you today.  We’re hoping you’ll take us in and let us bake some motherfucking honeycakes.  Cheerio.’  Not exactly, Craig.  Fuck, you’re a moron.  Fain should have turned you into the dribbling lobotomy victim instead of Hank.”

Across the circle, Hank drooled from his ram’s mouth and farted.  His eyes gazed longingly into space, as if he were watching a few dozen female trollocs, who look just like super hot human women, dance the sa’sara in the Thriller video.

Brok was fed up.  They would get nowhere with Pete, Brok was sure.  Catching Pete off guard, Brok hurled his giant axe at him.  The axe embedded itself in the left of Pete’s chest and shoulder.  Pete flinched but hardly hesitated, grabbing the axe out of his own body with his still-good right hand.  The force of his pull swung the axe wildly out to Pete’s right, where it accidentally lopped off Hank’s head.  Hanks’ body toppled over with one final drawn out wet fart.

Brok and Pete charged at each other, preparing for a life and death struggle for dominance.  Just before impact, Brok felt a tug on his leg and the ground rushed up at him.  The top of his head collided with Pete’s knee and the world shook.  It shook again as Pete’s body collapsed on top of him.  Dazed, Brok slowly turned under Pete’s weight, struggling to face him and continue the fight.  As he did, he realized Pete wasn’t moving, and as his vision cleared, he saw Craig’s pike protruding from Pete’s body where neck met shoulder.

“What…?” asked Brok.

Craig walked slowly to Brok, carrying Hanks’ rusty sword.  He knelt over Brok, looking directly into his eyes.  “I’m sorry, man, but I’m not going back up north.  I’m gonna go get a job.  I make a mean honeycake.”  Before Brok could even think of a response, Craig drove Hanks’ sword through his chest, and over his dying gurgling breaths, Brok heard Craig walking away and already rehearsing his speech, “Ma’am I’m not going to hurt you, I’ve turned to the Light.  Please let me show you how delicious my honeycakes are…”

For years thereafter, in a small village north of Caemlyn, it was well known that Betie Harker’s inn, The Trolloc’s Rest (with a sign depicting a dead trolloc in a grave) had the best honeycakes in the land, made by her reclusive and allegedly deformed cousin (for no one ever laid eyes on him), Craig, who had come to live with her in the days after the Dragon seized power in Andor.

Trolloc Talk is the outlet for a creatively repressed trolloc who would be balefired if the Forsaken caught him engaging in such insolence.  Follow him on Twitter @TrollocTalk

tWoTcast episode 21 (part 2 of 5)

Part two of five. Our second discussion of book five of the Wheel of Time, The Fires of Heaven. Covering chapters 8-21. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Thom and Elayne get real awkward, will Gaidal Cain fight the last battle as a two-year old and talk of bloody sword hilts gets vulgar.

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great
Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the
opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues,
including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And
seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.


Hey,
Just wondering if you ever tapped Lanfear? I hear she has great boobs
and was hoping to get your opinion. Thanks for doing what you do.

Rob

DEAR ROB,
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK GOES ON AT SHAYOL GHUL THAT HAS EVERYONE IN
ECSTASY OTHER THAN ME TAPPING THEM?  WHEN LANFEAR FIRST TAPPED THE
BORE, SHE FELT FIRSTHAND THE WANTON LUST OF MY MASSIVE SHADOW RISING
AND THE WARMTH OF MY TRUE POWER FLOWING THROUGH HER.  WHENEVER SHE
CAN, SHE WANTS MY DARKNESS ALL OVER HER MILKY BREATS.  SO, YES,
THEY’RE WONDERFUL.  BUT AS A NONHUMAN ENTITY, I DON’T FAVOR EITHER MAN
OR WOMAN.  I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF BEIDOMON WHEN HE HELPED TAP ME,
TOO.
YOUR INTEREST IN MY CHOSEN IS APPRECIATED, ROB.  PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
COME TO SHAYOL GHUL AND PLEDGE YOUR SOUL IN THE EVERLASTING ECSTASY
THAT IS MY FOULNESS RUNNING DOWN YOUR FACE.  OR, I COULD TEAR OUT YOUR
PUNY MANMEAT AND HAVE A TROLLOC EAT IT, THEN MOUNT YOU LIKE A
BROODMARE.
YOUR CHOICE, ROB.

Whew tWoTcast!  Hope you guys could forward my message to the Dark One
for me; and don’t worry, I won’t call him by name.
Dear Dark One: From the last column it seemed as though you’re open to
answering romantic questions, so I have one.  My girlfriend Jessica
and I’ve been together for about 4 years now; should I propose to her?
 We live together and all, but I sometimes wonder.  And there’s this
new girl at work that’s really flirty and cuter…  What are your
thoughts?
With evil,
Jason

JASON, THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VAGINAL QUESTIONS I’VE EVER FIELDED.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO ACTUALLY EMBRACE MY EVIL
YOURSELF, SO YOU HAVE THE GUYS FROM TwOtCAST DO IT?!  YOU’RE A BITCH.
AND, YOU SIGNED IT “WITH EVIL”?  GO BACK TO BREAST FEEDING WITH YOUR
MOM, PUSSY.
ALSO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR ROMANTIC INQUIRY?  WHAT DO
I LOOK LIKE, DR. FUCKING DREW?  HERE’S SOME ADVICE, FUCK THEM BOTH FOR
A BIT, THEN COME TO THE PIT OF DOOM.  THEN, SKIN THEM IN THE GLORY OF
MY RADIANCE WHILE YOU RECEIVE THE GIFT OF IMMORTALITY.  THAT’S A
RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.  OR, MARRY YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
JASON.  AND WHEN I BREAK FREE, I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL, PUT IT IN A
MINDTRAP, AND WEAR IT AROUND MY RINGFINGER LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING
RING.  NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF.

Hey, love the Ask the Dark One feature.  It’s real nice of you to send
emails His way.  How did you guys get contracted for that?
- Sally (not Daera!)

SALLY, THE ONLY THING MORE INANE THAN YOUR QUESTION IS YOUR STUPID
JOKE ABOUT SALIDAR.  IF I CAN PLANT MY THE SEED OF DISSENSION IN THAT
RAGTAG REJECT AES SEDAI CAMP, DON’T YOU THINK I CAN PLANT MY SEED IN
YOU?!
I CONTRACTED OUT TO THE LOWEST RESPONSIBLE BIDDER WHO HAD A GLOBAL
AUDIENCE SO I COULD HAVE MY GOSPEL SPREAD FAR AND WIDE.  TwOtCAST,
THOUGH NOT EXACTLY RESPONSIBLE, WON THE BID BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHICH
SIDE WILL WIN THE WAR.
NOW, SALLY, NOT FUCKNG DAERA THE STUPID FUCKING TOWN, DO YOU WANT MY
SEED PLANTED IN YOU GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF THE TRUE POWER?  OR DO YOU
WANT BE USED AS FODDER FOR TROLLOCS, AFTER THEY PLANT THEIR SEED IN
YOU AND MAKE YOU BIRTH MYRDRAAL?  IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he has a shadow rising, if you know what he means. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn