tWoTcast episode 37

tWoTcast episode 37 (part 7 of 7)

Our seventh discussion of book seven of the Wheel of Time, A Crown of Swords. Covering chapters 37-end. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Tom starts a hilarious ongoing discussion of the sword forms as sexual positions, we say goodbye to Mat for about two months, and finally Morridin is a stranger out to find you, and Mashadar is a danger right behind you.

Direct download: 1-37_tWoTcast_episode_37.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 2:22am EDT
Comments[0]

tWoTcast episode 36

tWoTcast episode 36 (part 6 of 7)

Our sixth discussion of book seven of the Wheel of Time, A Crown of Swords. Covering chapters 30-36. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Joe starts to respect Elayne for a minute or so, Tom is convinced Rand could make a slide out of air, and finally we're all pretty pissed about Fain and the dagger wound, as you all should be.

Direct download: 1-36_tWoTcast_episode_36.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 11:21am EDT
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Ask the Dark One

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die. **DISCLAIMER** let it be known we recieved this as an actual email...tWoTcast doesnt actually think rape is funny.

Dear Dark One,
 
I am a part of a collective of small business entrepreneurs who exercise in overwatching mercantile trade routes and seeing to the seamless distribution of goods, specifically by imposing a small, but fair tax in exchange for protective services.
 
Recently, my comrades and I ran into an issue of protocol, that divided us so completely, we were unable to continue our persuasion of a local merchant to barter for his daughter as part of a negotiation in terms. I am hoping that you, with your background in the fine arts of adjudication, could act as a mediator for our best interests.
 
The dispute was: when raping a potential costomers wife, do you run her through first- adding some agony and gore to the ecstasy (my argument was for this, as I feel there is nothing better than the slosh of hot blood on me knees as I have here bent over and am drilling her from behind), in the hopes that she dies from blood loss and degradation sometime during the act of defilement.  Or do you just give her peripheral cuts to put some fear in her, then rape, and then, while she is crying on the ground with shame, kill her? The husband is made to watch during either act, of course, usually while being crucified.
 
What we ended up doing was a gross mistranslation of both acts (a dead lay, if you will- pun intended). Needless to say, it was an unprofessional catastrophe. We are hoping to mitigate any future episodes, as the refugee lines are becoming quite plentiful, thanks to you, and we anticipate a boom in revenue this season.
 
Anxious for your reply,
 
Band of Raping Mauraders

BAND OF RAPING MAURADERS...  THE HUMANS IN THIS DAY AND AGE HAVE SOME OF THE STUPIDEST NAMES EVER KNOWN.  IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY YOU'RE IN THE MAFIA, THEN SAY IT.  DON'T CLOAK YOUR ACTS BEHIND "OVERWATCHING MERCANTILE TRADE ROUTES".  IF YOU'RE THREATENING PEOPLE FOR MONEY, FUCKING SAY SO.  I AM THE GREAT LORD OF THE DARK; HIDING BEHIND INNUENDO WITH ME IS AS FOOLISH AS IT IS USELESS.  I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, WORM, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DO.  AND I LOVE IT.

NOW FOR THE QUESTION.  EARLY DURING THE YEARS AFTER THE BORE WAS DRILLED INTO MY PRISON, MY CHOSEN BELTHAMEL HAD A SIMILAR QUESTION ON WHAT WE WOULD EVENTUALLY DO WITH ILYENNA SUNHAIR, WIFE OF LEWS THERIN KINSLAYER.  NATURALLY, RAPE AND BLOODSHED WAS PRETTY HIGH ON THE REQUEST LIST.  WE CAME UP WITH SOME SUITABLE SUGGESTIONS, BUT IN AN IRONIC TWIST OF FATE AND GOOD NICKNAMING, LEWS THERIN KILLED HER BEFORE WE COULD.

YOU HAVE POTENTIAL, I MUST SAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BASIC RULE THAT OF COURSE THE FATHER MUST WATCH.  WITH A CIRCLE OF THIRTEEN OR UNDER SEMHIRAGE'S GENTLE PRESSURE, YOU CAN MAKE THE HUSBAND PARTICIPATE.  THERE'S NOTHING SWEETER THAN THAT.  ALAS, YOU ARE BUT A HUMAN, AND THE TIMES YOU LIVE MEAN YOU ARE EVEN MORE PITIFUL THAN EVER.

YOU SHOW YOUR COMPETENCE AS A LEADER BY HOPING SHE DIES.  THE FEELING OF ONE'S LIFE SLIPPING OUT WHILE YOU SHOOT YOUR LIFE INTO HER IS ONE PLEASURE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.  THE BLOOD CASCADING DOWN YOUR LEGS ONLY ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF DELIGHT.

MY RECOMMENDATION IS THUS: TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR PETTY GROUP AND SLAY THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE VALUE OF A GOOD RAPE.  PERIPHERAL CUTS, RAPE THEN KILL?  WHOEVER SUGGESTED THAT SHOULD BE SENT TO SHAYOL GHUL AND I'LL SHOW HIM HOW THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE.  ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN OVER YOUR GROUP, SWEAR YOUR SOUL TO ME AND YOU'LL RISE FAR IN THE WORLD OF THE FRIENDS OF THE DARK.  I CAN GIVE YOU MANY A TASTY MORSEL FOR YOU TO ENJOY, ALL I ASK IS YOUR SOUL.  IF NOT... I HAVE JUST THE LARGE MYRDRAAL WHO WILL GOUGE OUT ONE OF YOUR EYES WITH HIS MEMBER, CUT YOU OPEN WITH TAINTED STEEL, AND GIVE YOU SOME TENDER LOVING TIL YOU SEE ME FOR ETERNITY.

NOW BE GONE, CRETIN.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)


Jono Coulborn doesn't necessarily condone these activities, and he is a little bit bemused by the amount of rape happening lately...  Follow him on Twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 10:28am EDT
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tWoTcast episode 35

tWoTcast episode 35 (part 5 of 7)

Our fifth discussion of book seven of the Wheel of Time, A Crown of Swords. Covering chapters 22-29. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Bad things come in threes, Elayne's head gets cracked open for the third time, three rape chapters featuring Moghedian, Morgase and Mat, and of course three asshole podcasters Jono, Joe and Tom.

Direct download: 1-35_tWoTcast_episode_35_1.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 10:19am EDT
Comments[3]

tWoTcast episode 34

tWoTcast episode 34 (part 4 of 7)

Our fourth discussion of book seven of the Wheel of Time, A Crown of Swords. Covering chapters 16-22. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. Tom gets us started off in style with a hilarious butt cheek joke, we spare you the details of Rand and Min's first time together, and finally the dreaded Cadsuane appears. Tom hates her, Jono likes her, and Joe hates her currently but is willing to reconsider down the road.

Direct download: 1-34_tWoTcast_episode_34.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 9:00pm EDT
Comments[4]

Picture contest everybody! send in a picture of you, someone you know, or a complete stranger to tWoTcast@gmail.com that looks like a character from the books! they dont even have to be wearing a costume. A picture of anyone. Seriously. Contest ends October 31st so hurry. PRIZE is a free Wheel of Time shirt of your choosing OR Volume one of the Wheel of Time comic book the Eye of the World!

Direct download: tWoTpic_look-a-like_extravaganza.m4a
Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 11:12am EDT
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tWoTcast episode 33

tWoTcast episode 33 (part 3 of 7)

Our third discussion of book seven of the Wheel of Time, A Crown of Swords. Covering chapters 11-15. Featuring: Jono, Joe and Tom. The episode is late due to technical issues. Fuck descriptions. Am I right? Funny things are discussed. Serious things are discussed.

Direct download: 1-33_tWoTcast_episode_33.m4a
Category:Podcast -- posted at: 2:27am EDT
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