tWoT BLOG: twitpic caption

Tom tweeted a cover and

called for captions and the

results are expectedly

sexual.

@davidpflaherty: How diagramitics can establish a more puissant harem-

and ease realtions between colleagues and headmistress

@kingd1971: We will have a foursome right here on this table!

@tomp115: No shit. You've never heard of a 4-way huh?

@brianhalligan: Welcome to Jo Ann Fabrics cosplay sale.

Get 75% off pirate Matt McConaughey, arctic action Thor & uh,

steampunk Sean Connery.

@Didgya: First porn director used scrolls, according to scientist.

and finally the greatest...

@atheistsanta: And thus Perrin found the clitoris

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 9:22pm EDT
Comments[1]

Ask the Dark One

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die. **DISCLAIMER** let it be known we recieved this as an actual email...tWoTcast doesnt actually think rape is funny.

Dear Dark One,
 
I am a part of a collective of small business entrepreneurs who exercise in overwatching mercantile trade routes and seeing to the seamless distribution of goods, specifically by imposing a small, but fair tax in exchange for protective services.
 
Recently, my comrades and I ran into an issue of protocol, that divided us so completely, we were unable to continue our persuasion of a local merchant to barter for his daughter as part of a negotiation in terms. I am hoping that you, with your background in the fine arts of adjudication, could act as a mediator for our best interests.
 
The dispute was: when raping a potential costomers wife, do you run her through first- adding some agony and gore to the ecstasy (my argument was for this, as I feel there is nothing better than the slosh of hot blood on me knees as I have here bent over and am drilling her from behind), in the hopes that she dies from blood loss and degradation sometime during the act of defilement.  Or do you just give her peripheral cuts to put some fear in her, then rape, and then, while she is crying on the ground with shame, kill her? The husband is made to watch during either act, of course, usually while being crucified.
 
What we ended up doing was a gross mistranslation of both acts (a dead lay, if you will- pun intended). Needless to say, it was an unprofessional catastrophe. We are hoping to mitigate any future episodes, as the refugee lines are becoming quite plentiful, thanks to you, and we anticipate a boom in revenue this season.
 
Anxious for your reply,
 
Band of Raping Mauraders

BAND OF RAPING MAURADERS...  THE HUMANS IN THIS DAY AND AGE HAVE SOME OF THE STUPIDEST NAMES EVER KNOWN.  IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY YOU'RE IN THE MAFIA, THEN SAY IT.  DON'T CLOAK YOUR ACTS BEHIND "OVERWATCHING MERCANTILE TRADE ROUTES".  IF YOU'RE THREATENING PEOPLE FOR MONEY, FUCKING SAY SO.  I AM THE GREAT LORD OF THE DARK; HIDING BEHIND INNUENDO WITH ME IS AS FOOLISH AS IT IS USELESS.  I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, WORM, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DO.  AND I LOVE IT.

NOW FOR THE QUESTION.  EARLY DURING THE YEARS AFTER THE BORE WAS DRILLED INTO MY PRISON, MY CHOSEN BELTHAMEL HAD A SIMILAR QUESTION ON WHAT WE WOULD EVENTUALLY DO WITH ILYENNA SUNHAIR, WIFE OF LEWS THERIN KINSLAYER.  NATURALLY, RAPE AND BLOODSHED WAS PRETTY HIGH ON THE REQUEST LIST.  WE CAME UP WITH SOME SUITABLE SUGGESTIONS, BUT IN AN IRONIC TWIST OF FATE AND GOOD NICKNAMING, LEWS THERIN KILLED HER BEFORE WE COULD.

YOU HAVE POTENTIAL, I MUST SAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BASIC RULE THAT OF COURSE THE FATHER MUST WATCH.  WITH A CIRCLE OF THIRTEEN OR UNDER SEMHIRAGE'S GENTLE PRESSURE, YOU CAN MAKE THE HUSBAND PARTICIPATE.  THERE'S NOTHING SWEETER THAN THAT.  ALAS, YOU ARE BUT A HUMAN, AND THE TIMES YOU LIVE MEAN YOU ARE EVEN MORE PITIFUL THAN EVER.

YOU SHOW YOUR COMPETENCE AS A LEADER BY HOPING SHE DIES.  THE FEELING OF ONE'S LIFE SLIPPING OUT WHILE YOU SHOOT YOUR LIFE INTO HER IS ONE PLEASURE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.  THE BLOOD CASCADING DOWN YOUR LEGS ONLY ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF DELIGHT.

MY RECOMMENDATION IS THUS: TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR PETTY GROUP AND SLAY THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE VALUE OF A GOOD RAPE.  PERIPHERAL CUTS, RAPE THEN KILL?  WHOEVER SUGGESTED THAT SHOULD BE SENT TO SHAYOL GHUL AND I'LL SHOW HIM HOW THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE.  ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN OVER YOUR GROUP, SWEAR YOUR SOUL TO ME AND YOU'LL RISE FAR IN THE WORLD OF THE FRIENDS OF THE DARK.  I CAN GIVE YOU MANY A TASTY MORSEL FOR YOU TO ENJOY, ALL I ASK IS YOUR SOUL.  IF NOT... I HAVE JUST THE LARGE MYRDRAAL WHO WILL GOUGE OUT ONE OF YOUR EYES WITH HIS MEMBER, CUT YOU OPEN WITH TAINTED STEEL, AND GIVE YOU SOME TENDER LOVING TIL YOU SEE ME FOR ETERNITY.

NOW BE GONE, CRETIN.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)


Jono Coulborn doesn't necessarily condone these activities, and he is a little bit bemused by the amount of rape happening lately...  Follow him on Twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 10:28am EDT
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Picture contest everybody! send in a picture of you, someone you know, or a complete stranger to tWoTcast@gmail.com that looks like a character from the books! they dont even have to be wearing a costume. A picture of anyone. Seriously. Contest ends October 31st so hurry. PRIZE is a free Wheel of Time shirt of your choosing OR Volume one of the Wheel of Time comic book the Eye of the World!

Direct download: tWoTpic_look-a-like_extravaganza.m4a
Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 11:12am EDT
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tWoT Blog: a trolloc recipe with @TrollocTalk

         

@TrollocTalk: I figure it’s time to follow the TWoTcast recipe for Muradin’s eyes with an old fashioned trolloc recipe. I mean, really, I think the entire Wheel of Time series makes clear we’re incredible cooks.  For this, I’ve chosen something my uncle Murray used to make when we had a particularly good haul from a borderlander village.  As an eagle-beaked trolloc, Murray had a great sense for just how various ingredients interacted with the meat.

 

Of course, you non-trolloc scum probably don’t feel like resorting to cannibalism, so I have made some notes of ingredients you can substitute for a lesser meal.  Also, we made this in huge quantities, of course, because we’re ruthless and had hundreds of villagers to eat, but I parsed it down to something just a few humans would eat.  Before we eat them.

 

Human Stew with Herbes de Provence

 

Ingredients:

    2 lb human (SUBSTITUTE lamb) fillet, shoulder or leg, trimmed of fat & cut into 1-inch cubes

    1 tablespoon Essence, recipe follows

    2 tablespoons olive oil

    1/2 cup chopped yellow onions

    1/2 cup diced peeled sweet potatoes

    1/2 cup chopped carrots

    1 tablespoon minced garlic

    1/2 cup human eyes (SUBSTITUTE peeled, seeded, and shopped plum tomatoes)

    1 tablespoon herbes de Provence (Murray traveled with his own but you can find recipes online)

    1/2 teaspoon salt (best when harvested from human tears but tough w/o a channeler)

    1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

    1 cup dry red wine

    3 cups human blood broth (SUBSTITUTE lamb stock)

    Cairheinen or Altaran bread, accompaniment

 

 

Murray’s Essence:

    2 1/2 tablespoons paprika

    2 tablespoons salt

    2 tablespoons garlic powder

    1 tablespoon ground black pepper

    1 tablespoon onion powder

    1 tablespoon cayenne

    1 tablespoon dried oregano

    1 tablespoon dried thyme

 

Place all the ingredients in a bowl or hollowed out human skull and stir well to combine thoroughly. Yield: about 2/3 cup

 

 

Directions:

 

Season the meat with the Essence and use your hands/claws to coat the meat thoroughly. In the bottom of a trolloc cookpot (the finest cooking mechanism even created), heat the oil over a medium-high fire. Add the seasoned human meat (SUBSTITUTE lamb) and cook, stirring, until browned, about 5 minutes. Remove with a rusty sword to the back of a shield, and set aside.

 

To the fat in the cookpot, add the onions, potatoes, and carrots, and cook, stirring, for 3 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add the tomatoes, herbs, salt, pepper, and red wine, and bring to a boil. Cook until reduced by half, about 3 minutes, stirring to deglaze the cookpot. Add the human and blood (SUBSTITUTE lamb and stock) to the cookpot and return to a boil. Reduce the fire to medium-low and simmer until the human (SUBSTITUTE lamb) is tender, about 30 to 35 minutes.

 

Remove from the heat and adjust the seasoning, to taste. Ladle into soup bowls and serve with hot, crusty Cairheinen or Altaran bread.

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 8:23pm EDT
Comments[21]

tWoT Blog: Trolloc Talk with @TrollocTalk

We trollocs don’t get much face time in the middle books of the Wheel of Time series.  I’m convinced that it’s just more anti-trolloc bigotry on the part of Robert Jordan, but I’ll do my best to forgive him.  Despite his glaring omission, I am here once again to shed some light on events surrounding trollocs that have been overlooked.

 

Of course, I can’t tell you specifics about what trollocs have been up to, because it might give away critical tactical and strategic information.  Haha, I mean, really, if I told you a bunch of us headed down to Murandy to hook up with Demandred and his plan to take Caemlyn, that would be BAD.  You get the point.

 

But I think it’s pretty clear that trollocs have been doing a whole lot of moving around, even in the middle books of the Wheel of Time.  Our main mode of transportation is obviously The Ways, that super sucky interdimensional superhighway of crap.  To show you what the time has been like for us trollocs, I figured I’d share my friend Carl’s diary from such travels with you.  You’ll need to keep in mind that Carl is a raccoon-headed kind of trolloc, and, well…I’m sure you know what that means.  Still, this is pretty representative of the experience for all of us.

 

DAY 1:

So, the lights are down in here, and the place looks awfully goth, so I’m excited to finally make it to the auditorium area and see The Black Wind perform.  The way Myrddraal Dan describes them, these guys will totally make us scream.  Still, the stage seems awfully far away…

 

DAY 3:

I admit I can’t read what’s on these guiding stones at intersections, but something tells me it’s porn.  Man, I wish I could read.

 

DAY 6:

Myrddral Dan is getting pretty cagy about when we’re going to get to see The Black Wind, but has begun hinting that he has some backstage passes that he’ll give to those of us who do best at keeping the others moving.  That’s getting tough – some of the guys are totally pussing.  You’d think they were afraid of the dark.  Rick vanished last night, but seriously, I’ve seen Alex and Stan eying him up for a while with hungry eyes.  I’m pretty sure they ate him.  I mean, what else could it be?  Some semi-sentient force of evil so malignant that it just sucks out our souls and leaves our bodies behind to fall off the platforms?  Haha.  Ridiculous.

 

DAY 8:

I overheard some of the guys talking about The Black Wind.  Apparently Myrddral Dan is being so secretive because they’re actually an afrobeat band and he’s afraid it’s a little too hipster for us.

 

DAY 9 (Bedtime):

Some of the guys ended the day’s hike at the top of a big squiggly red slide (almost like a chute), fell down it, and now have to work their way over to a ladder to get back up here.  Those guys will never catch up.

 

DAY 11:

I think we’re lost.  Myrddraal Mike just admitted he kicked the map off of a platform yesterday.  Josh found a little doll made of sticks.  One of the guys is just standing over on the corner of this platform, facing away from us.  This whole trip gives me the creeps.

 

DAY 12:

Arrived at our destination and left The Ways.  A third of the guys ended up stuck in corners, falling off bridges or platforms, or falling down those big red chutes.  What a waste.  Myrddraal Dan is saying it wasn’t worth seeing The Black Wind anyway – apparently it’s a pretty soul-sucking experience.  Guess they’re a power ballad band, after all.

 

 

TrollocTalk doesn’t use The Ways, preferring to drive, at least when his jo-car isn’t in the shop.  When it is, you can hear him gripe about it on Twitter @trolloctalk

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 11:30am EDT
Comments[4]

ASK THE DARK ONE

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.

Hey Dark One,

Why is it so damn hot? Surely there's another way to assert your will without so much sweat and body odor.

You suck,

Valley Butcher

VALLEY BUTCHER.  FIRST OF ALL, YOUR NAME BLOWS.  I'M THE BUTCHER OF THE VALLEY OF THAKAN'DAR AND THE REST IS DROSS.  CHANGE YOUR NAME OR I'LL CHANGE YOUR GENDER BY HAVING A DRAGKHAR SEDUCE YOU, THEN WAKE YOU BY PUTTING A GLASS ROD DOWN YOUR URETHRA AND HITTING IT WITH A HAMMER.  SOME PEOPLE PREFER THAT TO WHAT SEMHIRAGE WOULD DO WITH YOU FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING THOUGH, SO COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY.

SECONDLY, I LIKE THE SMELL OF A SWEATY HUMAN.  IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF WHY THEY ARE AN INSIGNFICANT SPECIES.  THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE SO LITTLE CONTROL OVER YOUR BODILY FUNCTIONS AS TO ACTUALLY SWEAT SHOWS YOU ARE AN INSIGNIFICANT TWIT, UNWORTHY OF EVEN BEING A WORM BELOW SHAIDAR HARAN'S BOOT, LET ALONE BEING ABLE TO SNIFF MY PISS, IF I HAD ANY.  HERE'S A PLAN: TAKE THAT GLASS THAT JUST TORE OUT YOUR MAN HOOD AND SWALLOW IT.  AS IT BEGINS TO WIND ITS WAY THROUGH YOUR GUTS, THINK OF ALL THE WARM TIMES YOU WILL SOON HAVE WITH ME.

Dear Dark One,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

From Ta'veren Tees

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.  BASICALLY, IT DEPENDS.  FIRST, THERE'S THE OLD STANDBY WHERE AN OWL GETS BORED AND STOPS AT THREE, BUT I ALWAYS FELT THAT WAS UNFAIR.  I SUPPOSE THE ANSWER DEPENDS ON THE AMOUNT OF SALIVA AND THE ROUGHNESS OF YOUR TONGUE.  IN SHORT, THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOUR ASKING ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR MY SHADOW RISING TO POP ON YOU, TOOTSIE, I'D HAVE TO SAY COME AND FIND OUT.  I WILL SAY IT MIGHT ALSO DEPEND ON THE AMOUNT OF SALIVA AND ROUGHNESS OF YOUR TONGUE.  JUST DON'T BITE OR I'D HAVE TO CUT YOU OUT OF YOUR SKIN, DRY IT AND LET SOMEONE ELSE LITERALLY WEAR HIS OR HER OWN TA'VEREN TEE SHIRT.  AND WE DON'T WANT THAT.

Hey Dark One!

You've given some good advice lately.  Why don't you make your own consulting firm?  I feel like you could probably take over the world less violently in a few decades.

Thanks, Devon

DEVON.  WHAT THE FUCK GENDER ARE YOU?  WHERE DO ALL YOU PEOPLE GET SUCH BAD NAMES?  AS FOR YOUR SUGGESTION, FUCK YOU.  WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT VIOLENCE?  DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND CUT YOURSELF IN HALF BEFORE I BREAK THROUGH THE BORE.  THEN, HAVE WHATEVER ENTITY YOU PAY TO BE A "FRIEND" STITCH YOUR UPPER BODY INSIDE YOUR LOWER.  YOUR HEAD IS ALREADY SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT A PERMENANT SOLUTION.

FUCK YOU, I'M OUT.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn doesn't necessarily condone these activities, but he does find the advice recommended here moderately arousing.  Follow him on Twitter @JCoulborn


Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 2:40pm EDT
Comments[0]

The Shadow Loves the Internet

The guys of tWoTcast recently expressed surprise that Melindhra would use Craigslist to reach Hadnan Kadere in Chapter 29 of The Fires of Heaven, Memories of Saldaea.  Maybe I think it’s obvious just because of my own use of such devices, but frankly, the Shadow LOVES to use internet services and social networks.  Check it out:

 

Example #1:  Um, yeah.  Me.  @TrollocTalk. I’m like the King of Twitter or something.  And I quote myself, “How do people not realize that no matter how hot Lanfear is overall, when it comes to breasts, Berelain's got her beat, hands down? #idiots”  Fuck, I’m awesome.  I should have more followers.  #thinkonit

 

Example #2:  The Shadow totally uses Craigslist:

SHORT SALE!!!!  GREAT PRICE!!  NATRIN’S BARROW–ELEGANT AND FORTIFIED–YET PALATIAL

-  Convenient Western Arad Doman location!

-  Recent, um, renovations

-  Excellent fixer-upper – make this space your own

-  Previous owner left quickly, no time to sell – nothing wrong with the property!

-  Once visited by the Lord Dragon Reborn himself!

 

Example #3:  Rahvin’s MySpace page hasn’t been updated in a while.  Awkward.

Mood:  way confident

Groups:  The Chosen (aka The Greensome Thirteensome)

Here For:  Bitches to mind control and mack on

Orientation:  Totally Hetero

Hometown:  You’ve never heard of it

Education:  Graduate of the Collam Daam (Go Fightin’ Grolm!)

Occupation:  Totally gonna rule Andor FOREVER

 

Example #4:  Demandred finally checked in via Foursquare.  I can’t tell you where, though.  Just kidding, he’s in Murandy.

 

Example #5:  Facebook has become pretty popular with the Shadow, as well.  Here’s a post on Aran’gar’s wall:

Delana Mosalaine is excited to be hiding out with her new BFF Aran’gar.  Everything’s going to work out great from here!  Lol!  (^_^)

 

Example #6:  Moghedien is on Google+.  By herself.

 

And finally…

 

Example #7:  Me and the boys are using Meetup to get things organized!

Organizers:  Moridin, Shadar Haran

Event:  Tarmon Gai’don

Date:  April 2012 (exact date TBD)

Location:  Tarwin’s Gap

Description:  It’s the big one, guys.  Get your rusty weapons and armor together and head down to the Gap!  There’s word that Aan’allein is gonna come out of retirement from the military and make a surprise appearance – don’t miss out!

 

Trolloc Talk is apparently the King of Twitter.  Find him there @TrollocTalk

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 5:00am EDT
Comments[0]

Ask the Dark One

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.

 

Why are you not more evil than @Lord_Voldemort7? Or at least more funny. Surely you have better materials than him. Where is the evil? All I hear are rants. Too long in Shayol Ghul?

Princess Relena

 

HMMMM…. MORE EVIL?  WELL PRINCESS RELENA, I HAVE GOOD NEWS: IT HAS INDEED BEEN TOO LONG I’VE BEEN ALONE IN SHAYOL GHUL AND I'M LONELY.  I THINK I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOME OF YOUR LOVED ONES COME JOIN ME.  YOUR MOTHER'S A NICE WOMAN.  HOW BOUT I GET SOME TROLLOCS TO CAPTURE HER, CARRY THEM TO THAKAN'DAR AND HAVE HER MAKE SWORDS.  BY QUENCHING THEM IN HER BLOOD.  OR YOUR CUTE LITTLE BROTHER.  I HEAR HE'S A BIT OF A DEVIANT; HE MIGHT LIKE THIS PLAN: I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MY RAVENS PECK OUT HIS EYES AND HAVE A MYRDRAAL FUCK THE HOLES.  SHOULD BE A FUN FAMILY REUNION.  YOU SHOULD COME BY.  ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU A PRINCESS OF?  SHUT YOUR MOUTH, GET IN THE KITCHEN AND OPEN YOUR VEINS.


 

Dark One, if I may be so bold, I’m a long time worshiper, first time writer.  Gotta personal question: I’m a senior in high school and hate my teacher.  It’s lit class, but we read the most boring shit.  I’m talking BORING.  We’re supposed to read more than just what’s instructed so I read WoT in my spare time, but I feel my teacher doesn’t think that’s “literature” or something.  He never says anything, but still.  How do I kill him?

Eric

 

ERIC, THIS IS A PRETTY COMMON QUESTION.  BESIDES THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF CALLING YOURSELF A FIRST TIME WRITER AND LONG TIME WORSHIPPER, YOU SEEM PUT TOGETHER.  TO BEGIN ERIC, YOU MAY NOT WANT TO KILL YOUR TEACHER.  AT LEAST NOT AT FIRST.  I FIND TORTURE TO BE A GOOD WAY TO GET SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.  AMBUSH YOUR TEACHER AND TIE HIM TO HIS TOILET.  TURN THE WATER OFF TO THAT TOILET.  HAVE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DEFICATE AND URINATE IN IT A LOT.  THE SMELL OF HIS FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE GOOD LITERATURE WILL DRIVE HIM INSANE.  I MIGHT RECOMMEND TAKING A SHAKESPEAR, OR SOME OTHER BORING BULLSHIT, BOOK AND GIVING HIM PAPER CUTS ALL OVER, PREFERABLE AROUND THE EYES AND GENITALS.  THEY’RE MORE FUN.  ALSO, PISS IN THE CUTS.  HILARIOUS!  ASK HIM BIZARRE QUESTIONS LIKE “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH” TIL HE ADMITS HIS IGNORANCE AND ACCEPSTS THE WHEEL OF TIME INTO HIS HEART.  DO NOT LET HIM GO AS THIS MIGHT BE A FAINT AND YOU’D BE IN TROUBLE.  INSTEAD, KILL HIM.  THEN COME SWEAR YOUR SOUL AND WORSHIP MY AWESOMENESS AND SOUND ADVICE COLUMN.  OR I’LL TORTURE AND KILL YOU, TOO.

 

 

Sha$’#*n, tWoTcast,

Thanks for doing these columns.  Loving it so far!

Andrew

 

ANDREW.  DO YOU THINK I CAN’T READ THROUGH ASTERISKS AND DOLLAR SIGNS AND WHATEVER PUNY SHIT YOU THINK WILL SHIELD YOUR PUSSY ASS FROM ME?  I’M GOING HAVE SHAIDAR HARAN PISS UP YOUR NOSTRIL, THEN GUT YOU.

 

 

Hey, I though the “Ask the Dark One” column was a weekly feature.  Where’s this one’s?!

-Gabe

 

GABE.  SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HANG YOURSELF.  MAYBE THE SIGHT OF YOUR CORPSE DRIFTING IN THE BREEZE WILL AT LEAST GIVE SOMEONE A LITTLE SATISFACTION.  ALSO, YOUR NAME SUCKS.

 

 

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he might get off on Gabe’s corpse swinging in the thre breeze. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 1:25pm EDT
Comments[0]

The Tale of Fain's Lost Trollocs

The guys of tWoTCast have asked what ever happened to the remaining trollocs of Padan Fain’s after he left the two rivers.  In Lord of Chaos, Chapter 28, Letters, we see the final reference to Fain’s few remaining trollocs, outside of Caemlyn.  We trollocs sent Robert Jordan an account of what happened to them thereafter, to be included at the end of the chapter, but he rejected it.  Jerk.  So, for your reading pleasure, here is the final account of those few remaining trollocs.  Poor bastards.

 

    Letters (contd)

The sun filtered through the oak and leatherleaf above.  As the leaves rustled in the breeze, the light flickered and danced over the dirty, knotted fur of the small band of trollocs hiding in the copse of trees.  The four trollocs sat in a circle, their stench nearly obscured by the sweet aroma of two rivers tabac, which they smoked from a pipe that they passed amongst each other.

Fain had left them, and no one complained.  The guy was kind of a dick.  And weird, really.  Beady little eyes.  Penchant for horrific killings.  The trollocs were fans of murder and mayhem, but Fain had seemed to like his job a bit too much.  They were all in agreement that he was in serious need of a vacation.  A vacation far away from them.

But now Fain was gone, and the trollocs needed to decide what to do next.  They had agreed Brok would be their leader, but such things were fleeting amongst trollocs, and Brok knew it.  He hoped to hold them together long enough to get them out of Andor and back to someplace much more unpleasant and suited to their tastes.  He’d eat one of the others if he had to, but trolloc meat was kind of bland, and reminded him of nights in his childhood when his mom didn’t feel like cooking.  Dinners of cold sibling had sucked.

“I’m hungry.  Let’s go find a village or a homestead and cook us up some human burgers.”  Pete was always impetuous, and Brok hated him.  If he was going to eat any one of the others, it would be Pete, just so he didn’t have to listen to him anymore, but the effort would get on Brok’s nerves.  The fight to kill Pete would be brutal at its easiest.

Brok took a deep breath before responding.  No need to kill Pete yet.  “That wouldn’t be prudent, Pete,” he growled.  So much for staying calm.  “We need to get out of the area quietly, and killing a bunch of folks would raise awareness of our presence like a Tinker orgy.”  Everyone knew Tinkers liked to get freaky.

“Whatever,” said Pete,”you’re just a pussy.  Better to carve our way out of here than sneak around like a bunch of bitches.  God, you’re worse than that Aybara kid with his skank wife.  Waah wahh, what should I do?”  It was a low blow.  Being compared to Lord Perrin’s douche behavior with his wife was nearly the ultimate insult.

Fortunately, Craig spoke up and broke the tension.  “We could get jobs.”

“Jobs,” said Pete.  He stood and began to pace on hoofed feet as he ranted.  “Are you fucking serious, you parrot-faced dipshit?”  When Pete got angry he would always demean their animal heritage, and it worked especially well to unnerve eagle-faced Craig.  “What are we gonna do, walk into town and ply some sort of trade?  ‘No really, goodwife, we don’t care to eat you today.  We’re hoping you’ll take us in and let us bake some motherfucking honeycakes.  Cheerio.’  Not exactly, Craig.  Fuck, you’re a moron.  Fain should have turned you into the dribbling lobotomy victim instead of Hank.”

Across the circle, Hank drooled from his ram’s mouth and farted.  His eyes gazed longingly into space, as if he were watching a few dozen female trollocs, who look just like super hot human women, dance the sa’sara in the Thriller video.

Brok was fed up.  They would get nowhere with Pete, Brok was sure.  Catching Pete off guard, Brok hurled his giant axe at him.  The axe embedded itself in the left of Pete’s chest and shoulder.  Pete flinched but hardly hesitated, grabbing the axe out of his own body with his still-good right hand.  The force of his pull swung the axe wildly out to Pete’s right, where it accidentally lopped off Hank’s head.  Hanks’ body toppled over with one final drawn out wet fart.

Brok and Pete charged at each other, preparing for a life and death struggle for dominance.  Just before impact, Brok felt a tug on his leg and the ground rushed up at him.  The top of his head collided with Pete’s knee and the world shook.  It shook again as Pete’s body collapsed on top of him.  Dazed, Brok slowly turned under Pete’s weight, struggling to face him and continue the fight.  As he did, he realized Pete wasn’t moving, and as his vision cleared, he saw Craig’s pike protruding from Pete’s body where neck met shoulder.

“What…?” asked Brok.

Craig walked slowly to Brok, carrying Hanks’ rusty sword.  He knelt over Brok, looking directly into his eyes.  “I’m sorry, man, but I’m not going back up north.  I’m gonna go get a job.  I make a mean honeycake.”  Before Brok could even think of a response, Craig drove Hanks’ sword through his chest, and over his dying gurgling breaths, Brok heard Craig walking away and already rehearsing his speech, “Ma’am I’m not going to hurt you, I’ve turned to the Light.  Please let me show you how delicious my honeycakes are…”

For years thereafter, in a small village north of Caemlyn, it was well known that Betie Harker’s inn, The Trolloc’s Rest (with a sign depicting a dead trolloc in a grave) had the best honeycakes in the land, made by her reclusive and allegedly deformed cousin (for no one ever laid eyes on him), Craig, who had come to live with her in the days after the Dragon seized power in Andor.

 

Trolloc Talk is the outlet for a creatively repressed trolloc who would be balefired if the Forsaken caught him engaging in such insolence.  Follow him on Twitter @TrollocTalk

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 1:07pm EDT
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Ask the DARK ONE!

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great
Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the
opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues,
including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And
seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.


Hey,
Just wondering if you ever tapped Lanfear? I hear she has great boobs
and was hoping to get your opinion. Thanks for doing what you do.

Rob

DEAR ROB,
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK GOES ON AT SHAYOL GHUL THAT HAS EVERYONE IN
ECSTASY OTHER THAN ME TAPPING THEM?  WHEN LANFEAR FIRST TAPPED THE
BORE, SHE FELT FIRSTHAND THE WANTON LUST OF MY MASSIVE SHADOW RISING
AND THE WARMTH OF MY TRUE POWER FLOWING THROUGH HER.  WHENEVER SHE
CAN, SHE WANTS MY DARKNESS ALL OVER HER MILKY BREATS.  SO, YES,
THEY’RE WONDERFUL.  BUT AS A NONHUMAN ENTITY, I DON’T FAVOR EITHER MAN
OR WOMAN.  I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF BEIDOMON WHEN HE HELPED TAP ME,
TOO.
YOUR INTEREST IN MY CHOSEN IS APPRECIATED, ROB.  PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
COME TO SHAYOL GHUL AND PLEDGE YOUR SOUL IN THE EVERLASTING ECSTASY
THAT IS MY FOULNESS RUNNING DOWN YOUR FACE.  OR, I COULD TEAR OUT YOUR
PUNY MANMEAT AND HAVE A TROLLOC EAT IT, THEN MOUNT YOU LIKE A
BROODMARE.
YOUR CHOICE, ROB.

Whew tWoTcast!  Hope you guys could forward my message to the Dark One
for me; and don’t worry, I won’t call him by name.
Dear Dark One: From the last column it seemed as though you’re open to
answering romantic questions, so I have one.  My girlfriend Jessica
and I’ve been together for about 4 years now; should I propose to her?
 We live together and all, but I sometimes wonder.  And there’s this
new girl at work that’s really flirty and cuter…  What are your
thoughts?
With evil,
Jason

JASON, THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VAGINAL QUESTIONS I’VE EVER FIELDED.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO ACTUALLY EMBRACE MY EVIL
YOURSELF, SO YOU HAVE THE GUYS FROM TwOtCAST DO IT?!  YOU’RE A BITCH.
AND, YOU SIGNED IT “WITH EVIL”?  GO BACK TO BREAST FEEDING WITH YOUR
MOM, PUSSY.
ALSO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR ROMANTIC INQUIRY?  WHAT DO
I LOOK LIKE, DR. FUCKING DREW?  HERE’S SOME ADVICE, FUCK THEM BOTH FOR
A BIT, THEN COME TO THE PIT OF DOOM.  THEN, SKIN THEM IN THE GLORY OF
MY RADIANCE WHILE YOU RECEIVE THE GIFT OF IMMORTALITY.  THAT’S A
RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.  OR, MARRY YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
JASON.  AND WHEN I BREAK FREE, I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL, PUT IT IN A
MINDTRAP, AND WEAR IT AROUND MY RINGFINGER LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING
RING.  NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF.

Hey, love the Ask the Dark One feature.  It’s real nice of you to send
emails His way.  How did you guys get contracted for that?
- Sally (not Daera!)

SALLY, THE ONLY THING MORE INANE THAN YOUR QUESTION IS YOUR STUPID
JOKE ABOUT SALIDAR.  IF I CAN PLANT MY THE SEED OF DISSENSION IN THAT
RAGTAG REJECT AES SEDAI CAMP, DON’T YOU THINK I CAN PLANT MY SEED IN
YOU?!
I CONTRACTED OUT TO THE LOWEST RESPONSIBLE BIDDER WHO HAD A GLOBAL
AUDIENCE SO I COULD HAVE MY GOSPEL SPREAD FAR AND WIDE.  TwOtCAST,
THOUGH NOT EXACTLY RESPONSIBLE, WON THE BID BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHICH
SIDE WILL WIN THE WAR.
NOW, SALLY, NOT FUCKNG DAERA THE STUPID FUCKING TOWN, DO YOU WANT MY
SEED PLANTED IN YOU GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF THE TRUE POWER?  OR DO YOU
WANT BE USED AS FODDER FOR TROLLOCS, AFTER THEY PLANT THEIR SEED IN
YOU AND MAKE YOU BIRTH MYRDRAAL?  IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he has a shadow rising, if you know what he means. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 8:04pm EDT
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