Ask the Dark One

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.

 

Why are you not more evil than @Lord_Voldemort7? Or at least more funny. Surely you have better materials than him. Where is the evil? All I hear are rants. Too long in Shayol Ghul?

Princess Relena

 

HMMMM…. MORE EVIL?  WELL PRINCESS RELENA, I HAVE GOOD NEWS: IT HAS INDEED BEEN TOO LONG I’VE BEEN ALONE IN SHAYOL GHUL AND I'M LONELY.  I THINK I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOME OF YOUR LOVED ONES COME JOIN ME.  YOUR MOTHER'S A NICE WOMAN.  HOW BOUT I GET SOME TROLLOCS TO CAPTURE HER, CARRY THEM TO THAKAN'DAR AND HAVE HER MAKE SWORDS.  BY QUENCHING THEM IN HER BLOOD.  OR YOUR CUTE LITTLE BROTHER.  I HEAR HE'S A BIT OF A DEVIANT; HE MIGHT LIKE THIS PLAN: I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MY RAVENS PECK OUT HIS EYES AND HAVE A MYRDRAAL FUCK THE HOLES.  SHOULD BE A FUN FAMILY REUNION.  YOU SHOULD COME BY.  ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU A PRINCESS OF?  SHUT YOUR MOUTH, GET IN THE KITCHEN AND OPEN YOUR VEINS.


 

Dark One, if I may be so bold, I’m a long time worshiper, first time writer.  Gotta personal question: I’m a senior in high school and hate my teacher.  It’s lit class, but we read the most boring shit.  I’m talking BORING.  We’re supposed to read more than just what’s instructed so I read WoT in my spare time, but I feel my teacher doesn’t think that’s “literature” or something.  He never says anything, but still.  How do I kill him?

Eric

 

ERIC, THIS IS A PRETTY COMMON QUESTION.  BESIDES THE UTTER STUPIDITY OF CALLING YOURSELF A FIRST TIME WRITER AND LONG TIME WORSHIPPER, YOU SEEM PUT TOGETHER.  TO BEGIN ERIC, YOU MAY NOT WANT TO KILL YOUR TEACHER.  AT LEAST NOT AT FIRST.  I FIND TORTURE TO BE A GOOD WAY TO GET SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.  AMBUSH YOUR TEACHER AND TIE HIM TO HIS TOILET.  TURN THE WATER OFF TO THAT TOILET.  HAVE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DEFICATE AND URINATE IN IT A LOT.  THE SMELL OF HIS FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE GOOD LITERATURE WILL DRIVE HIM INSANE.  I MIGHT RECOMMEND TAKING A SHAKESPEAR, OR SOME OTHER BORING BULLSHIT, BOOK AND GIVING HIM PAPER CUTS ALL OVER, PREFERABLE AROUND THE EYES AND GENITALS.  THEY’RE MORE FUN.  ALSO, PISS IN THE CUTS.  HILARIOUS!  ASK HIM BIZARRE QUESTIONS LIKE “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH” TIL HE ADMITS HIS IGNORANCE AND ACCEPSTS THE WHEEL OF TIME INTO HIS HEART.  DO NOT LET HIM GO AS THIS MIGHT BE A FAINT AND YOU’D BE IN TROUBLE.  INSTEAD, KILL HIM.  THEN COME SWEAR YOUR SOUL AND WORSHIP MY AWESOMENESS AND SOUND ADVICE COLUMN.  OR I’LL TORTURE AND KILL YOU, TOO.

 

 

Sha$’#*n, tWoTcast,

Thanks for doing these columns.  Loving it so far!

Andrew

 

ANDREW.  DO YOU THINK I CAN’T READ THROUGH ASTERISKS AND DOLLAR SIGNS AND WHATEVER PUNY SHIT YOU THINK WILL SHIELD YOUR PUSSY ASS FROM ME?  I’M GOING HAVE SHAIDAR HARAN PISS UP YOUR NOSTRIL, THEN GUT YOU.

 

 

Hey, I though the “Ask the Dark One” column was a weekly feature.  Where’s this one’s?!

-Gabe

 

GABE.  SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HANG YOURSELF.  MAYBE THE SIGHT OF YOUR CORPSE DRIFTING IN THE BREEZE WILL AT LEAST GIVE SOMEONE A LITTLE SATISFACTION.  ALSO, YOUR NAME SUCKS.

 

 

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he might get off on Gabe’s corpse swinging in the thre breeze. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn

Category:tWoT Blog -- posted at: 1:25pm EDT
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