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tWoTcast is the Wheel of Time podcast featuring Jono, Joe and Tom. Enjoy rereads and commentary of the Wheel of Time and other book series as well as LIVE shows from conventions and general nerd culture discussions. Like what you hear? Support us on Patreon! You can get all kinds of merch and other cool stuff. Find a full book by book breakdown of all our episodes here at tWoTcast Archive Timeline!

Ask the DARK ONE!

Jun 29, 2011

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestric, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.  


Hey Guys, why was the music so loud in the first few episodes of tWoTcast?  Didn’t bother me too much, but I’m glad you fixed it.

Thanks!

Sincerely, Ken


DEAR KEN,

I’M THE MOTHER FUCKING DARK ONE, THE SCOURGE OF HUMANITY AND AN ALL AROUND TWISTED ASSHOLE.  IF I WANTED THE INTRO MUSIC ON TwOtCAST SO LOUD THAT IT CUT IN AND DESTROYED YOUR HEARING, YOU SHOULD THANK ME.  THE FACT THAT I QUIT DOING IT IS PROOF THAT I HAVE MERCY.  JOIN MY CAUSE OR DIE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT A DARKHOUND IS RAPING YOUR GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND A TROLLOC IS BURNING HIS DOG HOUSE.

Hey tWoTers, I heard your theory that "The Shadow Rising" was actually a reference to your Dark One’s erection and couldn’t stop laughing.  I hope that Sanderson reveals that to be true!
Thanks, I'm a huge fan!
With Love and Respect,
Katherine H.

HI KAHTERINE.  THANKS FOR ASKING.  THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE QUESTIONS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO FIELD AS I FEEL THERE WERE ENOUGH HINTS ALL THE WAY THROUGH THAT MORE PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON IT.  YES, IT'S TRUE, THE SHADOW RISING IS MY ERECTION.  SINCE LEWS THERIN SEALED THE BORE, I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO TRULY WORK MY MANHOOD AROUND.  YOU SEE, THE ACTUAL BORE WHERE LANFEAR AND BEIDOMON TAPPED IT (HAHAHA!!!) WAS THE SPOT IN MY PRISON WHERE MY DONG WAS CONTAINED.  SO MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT FLEXING MY LONG CONSTRAINED HARD ON WAS KNOCKING THE SHAROM DOWN.  THE BUILD UP TO THE WAR OF POWER AS THOSE FOOLS CALL IT WAS ME SLOWLY DOING KEGELS AND GETTING MY SEXUAL CONFIDENCE BACK.  THEN THAT PONCE LEWS THERIN SEALED IN MY HARD ON AND REALLY SENT ME INTO A SEXUAL DEPRESSION FOR EONS.

THE BREAKING OF EACH SEAL IS LIKE ONE MORE BUTTON POPPING OPEN ON MY PANTS AND THIS TROUSER SNAKE IS READY TO HISS AND SPIT AFTER HAVING BEEN CONFINED FOR SO LONG.  DURING THE TIME OF SHADOW RISING, I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO CURING THE WORLD'S WORST EPISODE OF BLUE BALLS.  PEOPLE SEE ME AS BEING THE EPITOME OF EVIL, BUT REALLY, IF YOUR BALLS HAD BEEN STUCK TO YOUR THIGHS FOR 3000 PLUS YEARS, WOULDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING TO LET THEM OUT?  A LITTLE SYMPATHY, OR I WILL HAVE A DARKHOUND LICK YOUR TAINT; ITS TOXIC SALIVA WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN ITCH SO MUCH YOU WISH YOUR MOTHER WOULD TEAR OUT YOUR SACK WITH AN ICE CREAM SCOOP.  BUT DON’T WORRY, THAT WILL HAPPEN AFTERWARDS, EXCEPT BY THE HANDS OF A MYRDRAAL!  NOW, I’M GONNA GO PLAY WITH MY RISING SHADOW.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ed," and I have been together for six years,
married for two. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have
children from our first marriages.

Ed works offshore. He's gone 21 days and here 21 days. The three weeks
he's gone, I work, take care of the house and the kids, do the yard
work, etc. When he comes home, I want him to myself the first weekend
-- I don't want to share him with his friends. I'd like to do fun
things with him sometimes, just the two of us.

Ed says I have to understand his friends are important. He says I'm
selfish and jealous. He doesn't show affection very well either
(except behind closed doors), and I am a very affectionate person. Am
I asking too much from him? I am considering counseling, but I'm
unsure whether Ed would go. -- bored and lonely in Mississippi

HI BORED AND LONELY IN MISSISSIPPI, COUNSELING IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA, AND IF ED WON'T GO, YOU SHOULD GO WITHOUT HIM.  ASKING YOUR HUSBAND TO SPEND TWO DAYS OF ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH YOU WHEN HE RETURNS FROM THREE WEEKS AWAY AND WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!  THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DEAR ABBY COLUMN.  IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ED, I'LL STEAL HIS SOUL.  COME TO SHAYOL GHUL AND BASK IN MY PRESENCE AND I'LL REWARD YOU WITH ETERNAL YOUTH AND A MORE COMPASSIONATE HUSBAND.  YOUR ED AND HIS CHILDREN WILL BE FODDER FOR MY TROLLOCS.  I’M SURE I CAN FIND A MYRDRAAL READY TO QUENCH A SWORD IN HIM, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he has a shadow rising, if you know what he means. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn