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tWoTcast is the Wheel of Time podcast featuring Jono, Joe and Tom. Enjoy rereads and commentary of the Wheel of Time and other book series as well as LIVE shows from conventions and general nerd culture discussions. Like what you hear? Support us on Patreon! You can get all kinds of merch and other cool stuff. Find a full book by book breakdown of all our episodes here at tWoTcast Archive Timeline!

Ask the Dark One

Oct 20, 2011

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die. **DISCLAIMER** let it be known we recieved this as an actual email...tWoTcast doesnt actually think rape is funny.

Dear Dark One,
 
I am a part of a collective of small business entrepreneurs who exercise in overwatching mercantile trade routes and seeing to the seamless distribution of goods, specifically by imposing a small, but fair tax in exchange for protective services.
 
Recently, my comrades and I ran into an issue of protocol, that divided us so completely, we were unable to continue our persuasion of a local merchant to barter for his daughter as part of a negotiation in terms. I am hoping that you, with your background in the fine arts of adjudication, could act as a mediator for our best interests.
 
The dispute was: when raping a potential costomers wife, do you run her through first- adding some agony and gore to the ecstasy (my argument was for this, as I feel there is nothing better than the slosh of hot blood on me knees as I have here bent over and am drilling her from behind), in the hopes that she dies from blood loss and degradation sometime during the act of defilement.  Or do you just give her peripheral cuts to put some fear in her, then rape, and then, while she is crying on the ground with shame, kill her? The husband is made to watch during either act, of course, usually while being crucified.
 
What we ended up doing was a gross mistranslation of both acts (a dead lay, if you will- pun intended). Needless to say, it was an unprofessional catastrophe. We are hoping to mitigate any future episodes, as the refugee lines are becoming quite plentiful, thanks to you, and we anticipate a boom in revenue this season.
 
Anxious for your reply,
 
Band of Raping Mauraders

BAND OF RAPING MAURADERS...  THE HUMANS IN THIS DAY AND AGE HAVE SOME OF THE STUPIDEST NAMES EVER KNOWN.  IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY YOU'RE IN THE MAFIA, THEN SAY IT.  DON'T CLOAK YOUR ACTS BEHIND "OVERWATCHING MERCANTILE TRADE ROUTES".  IF YOU'RE THREATENING PEOPLE FOR MONEY, FUCKING SAY SO.  I AM THE GREAT LORD OF THE DARK; HIDING BEHIND INNUENDO WITH ME IS AS FOOLISH AS IT IS USELESS.  I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, WORM, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DO.  AND I LOVE IT.

NOW FOR THE QUESTION.  EARLY DURING THE YEARS AFTER THE BORE WAS DRILLED INTO MY PRISON, MY CHOSEN BELTHAMEL HAD A SIMILAR QUESTION ON WHAT WE WOULD EVENTUALLY DO WITH ILYENNA SUNHAIR, WIFE OF LEWS THERIN KINSLAYER.  NATURALLY, RAPE AND BLOODSHED WAS PRETTY HIGH ON THE REQUEST LIST.  WE CAME UP WITH SOME SUITABLE SUGGESTIONS, BUT IN AN IRONIC TWIST OF FATE AND GOOD NICKNAMING, LEWS THERIN KILLED HER BEFORE WE COULD.

YOU HAVE POTENTIAL, I MUST SAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BASIC RULE THAT OF COURSE THE FATHER MUST WATCH.  WITH A CIRCLE OF THIRTEEN OR UNDER SEMHIRAGE'S GENTLE PRESSURE, YOU CAN MAKE THE HUSBAND PARTICIPATE.  THERE'S NOTHING SWEETER THAN THAT.  ALAS, YOU ARE BUT A HUMAN, AND THE TIMES YOU LIVE MEAN YOU ARE EVEN MORE PITIFUL THAN EVER.

YOU SHOW YOUR COMPETENCE AS A LEADER BY HOPING SHE DIES.  THE FEELING OF ONE'S LIFE SLIPPING OUT WHILE YOU SHOOT YOUR LIFE INTO HER IS ONE PLEASURE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.  THE BLOOD CASCADING DOWN YOUR LEGS ONLY ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF DELIGHT.

MY RECOMMENDATION IS THUS: TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR PETTY GROUP AND SLAY THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE VALUE OF A GOOD RAPE.  PERIPHERAL CUTS, RAPE THEN KILL?  WHOEVER SUGGESTED THAT SHOULD BE SENT TO SHAYOL GHUL AND I'LL SHOW HIM HOW THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE.  ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN OVER YOUR GROUP, SWEAR YOUR SOUL TO ME AND YOU'LL RISE FAR IN THE WORLD OF THE FRIENDS OF THE DARK.  I CAN GIVE YOU MANY A TASTY MORSEL FOR YOU TO ENJOY, ALL I ASK IS YOUR SOUL.  IF NOT... I HAVE JUST THE LARGE MYRDRAAL WHO WILL GOUGE OUT ONE OF YOUR EYES WITH HIS MEMBER, CUT YOU OPEN WITH TAINTED STEEL, AND GIVE YOU SOME TENDER LOVING TIL YOU SEE ME FOR ETERNITY.

NOW BE GONE, CRETIN.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)


Jono Coulborn doesn't necessarily condone these activities, and he is a little bit bemused by the amount of rape happening lately...  Follow him on Twitter @JCoulborn