Aug 16, 2011
Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great Lord of the Dark that were sent to us. Every week you have the opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues, including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.
Hey Dark One,
Why is it so damn hot? Surely there's another way to assert your will without so much sweat and body odor.
VALLEY BUTCHER. FIRST OF ALL, YOUR NAME BLOWS. I'M THE BUTCHER OF THE VALLEY OF THAKAN'DAR AND THE REST IS DROSS. CHANGE YOUR NAME OR I'LL CHANGE YOUR GENDER BY HAVING A DRAGKHAR SEDUCE YOU, THEN WAKE YOU BY PUTTING A GLASS ROD DOWN YOUR URETHRA AND HITTING IT WITH A HAMMER. SOME PEOPLE PREFER THAT TO WHAT SEMHIRAGE WOULD DO WITH YOU FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING THOUGH, SO COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY.
SECONDLY, I LIKE THE SMELL OF A SWEATY HUMAN. IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF WHY THEY ARE AN INSIGNFICANT SPECIES. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE SO LITTLE CONTROL OVER YOUR BODILY FUNCTIONS AS TO ACTUALLY SWEAT SHOWS YOU ARE AN INSIGNIFICANT TWIT, UNWORTHY OF EVEN BEING A WORM BELOW SHAIDAR HARAN'S BOOT, LET ALONE BEING ABLE TO SNIFF MY PISS, IF I HAD ANY. HERE'S A PLAN: TAKE THAT GLASS THAT JUST TORE OUT YOUR MAN HOOD AND SWALLOW IT. AS IT BEGINS TO WIND ITS WAY THROUGH YOUR GUTS, THINK OF ALL THE WARM TIMES YOU WILL SOON HAVE WITH ME.
Dear Dark One,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
From Ta'veren Tees
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. BASICALLY, IT DEPENDS. FIRST, THERE'S THE OLD STANDBY WHERE AN OWL GETS BORED AND STOPS AT THREE, BUT I ALWAYS FELT THAT WAS UNFAIR. I SUPPOSE THE ANSWER DEPENDS ON THE AMOUNT OF SALIVA AND THE ROUGHNESS OF YOUR TONGUE. IN SHORT, THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOUR ASKING ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR MY SHADOW RISING TO POP ON YOU, TOOTSIE, I'D HAVE TO SAY COME AND FIND OUT. I WILL SAY IT MIGHT ALSO DEPEND ON THE AMOUNT OF SALIVA AND ROUGHNESS OF YOUR TONGUE. JUST DON'T BITE OR I'D HAVE TO CUT YOU OUT OF YOUR SKIN, DRY IT AND LET SOMEONE ELSE LITERALLY WEAR HIS OR HER OWN TA'VEREN TEE SHIRT. AND WE DON'T WANT THAT.
Hey Dark One!
You've given some good advice lately. Why don't you make your own consulting firm? I feel like you could probably take over the world less violently in a few decades.
DEVON. WHAT THE FUCK GENDER ARE YOU? WHERE DO ALL YOU PEOPLE GET SUCH BAD NAMES? AS FOR YOUR SUGGESTION, FUCK YOU. WHAT IS THE WORLD WITHOUT VIOLENCE? DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND CUT YOURSELF IN HALF BEFORE I BREAK THROUGH THE BORE. THEN, HAVE WHATEVER ENTITY YOU PAY TO BE A "FRIEND" STITCH YOUR UPPER BODY INSIDE YOUR LOWER. YOUR HEAD IS ALREADY SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT A PERMENANT SOLUTION.
FUCK YOU, I'M OUT.
(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)
Jono Coulborn doesn't necessarily condone these activities, but he does find the advice recommended here moderately arousing. Follow him on Twitter @JCoulborn