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tWoTcast is the Wheel of Time podcast featuring Jono, Joe and Tom. Enjoy rereads and commentary of the Wheel of Time and other book series as well as LIVE shows from conventions and general nerd culture discussions. Like what you hear? Support us on Patreon! You can get all kinds of merch and other cool stuff. Find a full book by book breakdown of all our episodes here at tWoTcast Archive Timeline!

Ask the DARK ONE!

Jul 8, 2011

Ask the Dark One is a feature where we forward emails to the Great
Lord of the Dark that were sent to us.  Every week you have the
opportunity to speak to the Great Lord himself on a variety of issues,
including; domestic, romantic, or how you're going to DIE. And
seriously, he's just going to tell you how you're going to die.


Hey,
Just wondering if you ever tapped Lanfear? I hear she has great boobs
and was hoping to get your opinion. Thanks for doing what you do.

Rob

DEAR ROB,
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK GOES ON AT SHAYOL GHUL THAT HAS EVERYONE IN
ECSTASY OTHER THAN ME TAPPING THEM?  WHEN LANFEAR FIRST TAPPED THE
BORE, SHE FELT FIRSTHAND THE WANTON LUST OF MY MASSIVE SHADOW RISING
AND THE WARMTH OF MY TRUE POWER FLOWING THROUGH HER.  WHENEVER SHE
CAN, SHE WANTS MY DARKNESS ALL OVER HER MILKY BREATS.  SO, YES,
THEY’RE WONDERFUL.  BUT AS A NONHUMAN ENTITY, I DON’T FAVOR EITHER MAN
OR WOMAN.  I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF BEIDOMON WHEN HE HELPED TAP ME,
TOO.
YOUR INTEREST IN MY CHOSEN IS APPRECIATED, ROB.  PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
COME TO SHAYOL GHUL AND PLEDGE YOUR SOUL IN THE EVERLASTING ECSTASY
THAT IS MY FOULNESS RUNNING DOWN YOUR FACE.  OR, I COULD TEAR OUT YOUR
PUNY MANMEAT AND HAVE A TROLLOC EAT IT, THEN MOUNT YOU LIKE A
BROODMARE.
YOUR CHOICE, ROB.

Whew tWoTcast!  Hope you guys could forward my message to the Dark One
for me; and don’t worry, I won’t call him by name.
Dear Dark One: From the last column it seemed as though you’re open to
answering romantic questions, so I have one.  My girlfriend Jessica
and I’ve been together for about 4 years now; should I propose to her?
 We live together and all, but I sometimes wonder.  And there’s this
new girl at work that’s really flirty and cuter…  What are your
thoughts?
With evil,
Jason

JASON, THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VAGINAL QUESTIONS I’VE EVER FIELDED.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO ACTUALLY EMBRACE MY EVIL
YOURSELF, SO YOU HAVE THE GUYS FROM TwOtCAST DO IT?!  YOU’RE A BITCH.
AND, YOU SIGNED IT “WITH EVIL”?  GO BACK TO BREAST FEEDING WITH YOUR
MOM, PUSSY.
ALSO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR ROMANTIC INQUIRY?  WHAT DO
I LOOK LIKE, DR. FUCKING DREW?  HERE’S SOME ADVICE, FUCK THEM BOTH FOR
A BIT, THEN COME TO THE PIT OF DOOM.  THEN, SKIN THEM IN THE GLORY OF
MY RADIANCE WHILE YOU RECEIVE THE GIFT OF IMMORTALITY.  THAT’S A
RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.  OR, MARRY YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
JASON.  AND WHEN I BREAK FREE, I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL, PUT IT IN A
MINDTRAP, AND WEAR IT AROUND MY RINGFINGER LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING
RING.  NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF.

Hey, love the Ask the Dark One feature.  It’s real nice of you to send
emails His way.  How did you guys get contracted for that?
- Sally (not Daera!)

SALLY, THE ONLY THING MORE INANE THAN YOUR QUESTION IS YOUR STUPID
JOKE ABOUT SALIDAR.  IF I CAN PLANT MY THE SEED OF DISSENSION IN THAT
RAGTAG REJECT AES SEDAI CAMP, DON’T YOU THINK I CAN PLANT MY SEED IN
YOU?!
I CONTRACTED OUT TO THE LOWEST RESPONSIBLE BIDDER WHO HAD A GLOBAL
AUDIENCE SO I COULD HAVE MY GOSPEL SPREAD FAR AND WIDE.  TwOtCAST,
THOUGH NOT EXACTLY RESPONSIBLE, WON THE BID BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHICH
SIDE WILL WIN THE WAR.
NOW, SALLY, NOT FUCKNG DAERA THE STUPID FUCKING TOWN, DO YOU WANT MY
SEED PLANTED IN YOU GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF THE TRUE POWER?  OR DO YOU
WANT BE USED AS FODDER FOR TROLLOCS, AFTER THEY PLANT THEIR SEED IN
YOU AND MAKE YOU BIRTH MYRDRAAL?  IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.

(Feel free to email Him at tWoTcast@gmail.com, mark the subject as 'Ask the DARK ONE', and we will forward Him your questions. Please never call Him by his name, even in writing, as having His eye on you is not recommended; also, it upsets him to be distracted.)

Jono Coulborn is not the DARK ONE, but he has a shadow rising, if you know what he means. Follow him on twitter @JCoulborn